using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
