fuck your aforementioned shoe
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
