rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
