If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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