we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
