I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
