Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
