just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
