Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
