She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
