and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
