CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize