i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
