Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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