Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
