Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
