Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
