Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
