On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize