I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
