Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
