We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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