Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
