now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
