Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
