This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
