he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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