Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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