6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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