Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
