I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
