My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
