I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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