I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
