You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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