I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
