My first STD was from a foam party
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize