I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
