i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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