This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize