He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
