false alarm. still invincible.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
