im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
