I want to walk on stilts...naked
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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