I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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