Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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