Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
