I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
