cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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