The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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