There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
