how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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