i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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