Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
