if you like me you must not know who I am
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize