At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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