this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
