Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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