he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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