Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
