My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
