lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Houston, we have a squirter
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
